In Loving Memory of Terri Stull

I love working at the company I do because of the people. I have only worked at one firm (13 years minus my 2 year fitness startup adventure) so I can’t really compare to any other…but from what I hear, we have something special. We truly treat people like people and build relationships. I didn’t realize how strong of relationships until I lost one of them.

Recently a coworker, Terri Stull, and her husband, Doug Teeter, lost their lives in a tragic accident. I realized that I lost not just a coworker, but a friend and a family member.

I have known Terri since I started work in 2008. She was a role model from me from day 1, being a pretty badass female engineer. She grew up in a time where women engineers were few and far between. She shared stories of challenges of men not even looking her in the eye and speaking to her male coworkers who were actually less experienced and not the lead engineers. She was often mistaken for a secretary or asked to take notes. She held composure and never lost her temper. She knew her value and was determined and persistent to continue to do what she loved - electrical engineering. She didn’t need to be in the spotlight, but we all knew she deserved it and was the brains behind a lot of the work. She was a teacher to all those around her. She was not one of those people who felt like she had to keep her knowledge to secure her job, status and position. She was on a mission to educate all those around her so we were a stronger team and people could grow and flourish.

She was not only extremely technical but also someone who was personable. She could tell you how it is and not make you feel like an idiot, which is a skill that not many have. She asked good questions. She made you think. She didn’t judge you. She was dependable and reliable. She helped you and encouraged you to grow. She was selfless and genuine. She was curious and always trying to learn and improve herself and those around her.

As I grew into my own at work, I also grew my relationship with Terri. She went from being a role model, to a mentor, to a friend and then to family. I am adopted and estranged from my adopted family. It wasn’t an environment that I could thrive in and always left me feeling bad about myself and questioning my worth. At some point, I grew the strength and confidence to decide not to deal with it anymore and realized it’s okay to create the barriers and boundaries you need. So for me, I haven’t had any blood family ever and family is always chosen family. Terri was certainly chosen family for me.

Terri and I talked every day at work and even texted here and there on the weekends.

We would vent about work challenges, either offering each other support or commiserating together on challenges on certain projects. We would celebrate wins at work, everything from a small to a major to do item. She would mentor me and help me find ways to be a better mentor to others. She was helping me grow to be more empathetic, realistic and understand how to measure other’s capacity and skill levels.

We talked about family and friends. We both had PhD husbands and could relate on how quirky and odd they were at times. They would get on our nerves but we couldn’t help but love them so much at the same time.

Terri shared her love of her sons. She loved them SO much. She made sure she was efficient at work so she could spend time with them when they were home from school. She would take time to go on evening walks with them, make them a nice homemade dinner and cookies on a weeknight. She always made sure she had the right flours at home for the gluten-free cookies and catered her meals so everyone was happy. Even though she liked a little kick to her food, she adapted the spice level so her husband was happy.

She made it comfortable for me to share my journey as I started to try to conceive. I was able to open up to her when I was disappointed or sad at each negative test. She never made me feel like I was burdening her. She loved hearing my journey and was so excited for me to share the love of motherhood that brought her so much joy. I shared with her my scare of ectopic pregnancy and she was there to protect me and support me in the event I had to go video-off during team meetings. She said she’d go off video too in solidarity so they wouldn’t call me out. I told her of my first pregnancy emotional breakdown and she consoled me. She said if I ever needed her, to call or text her. She’d be there for me.

When she had a tough day, she would ask if I had any baby kicks or fun pregnancy things to share. It always made her smile because it gave her an opportunity to reminisce on her pregnancies. She shared how her oldest had hiccups constantly and it was such an odd feeling. She got me a box of tea because she knew I was trying to limit my coffee intake and knew it would be an adjustment. She shared her experience with a c-section as I may need to have one too. She was so excited for me and couldn’t wait to meet my future child.

I opened up to her about my fear of coming back to work after having a child and feeling scared people may judge me or feel I’m not performing if I’m struggling to adapt to new motherhood. She encouraged me to do what I need to do and be open to exploring what I feels right when the time comes. She mentioned that sometimes what you think you want may not be what you want once you are there. Once she had her children, she realized working full-time was not for her. She wanted to be there and experience every moment of her children growing. She was going to quit but her boss asked her if she would consider part-time and asked her what she wanted/needed. Part-time wasn’t really as much of a thing at that time and she didn’t think that work would want her if she wasn’t full-time, but she was so valuable that they would do whatever they could to keep her. She ended up working part-time so she could continue with both of her loves-electrical engineering and being a mother.

Terri and I had some different preferences and different ways of living. However, she never once judged me or said I was wrong. We celebrated our differences and I feel that we learned from each other. It was a true relationship. And when she shared her experiences as lessons, it was always just sharing. She never made me feel like she was telling me what I should do or judging me if I did something different. Like with work, she also asked good life questions to get you thinking about your choices and what would be the best decision for you. She helped you make your decisions instead of telling you what you should do.

Once losing Terri, I had so many emotions…shock, sadness, anger, love. All in waves. I felt selfish. I thought…

“Why didn’t I make her take a site visit selfie with me?!”

“We were supposed to get pedicures after this deadline.”

“We were supposed to go on walks with Baby Vines when I was on maternity leave.”

“We were supposed to get Mexican food and mocktails.”

There were so many plans we had made that we didn’t get to live out. Which makes me realize that we can’t just wait until we aren’t busy. There was one time she said, “Jess, we are never NOT going to be busy. Let’s just meet up for lunch.” So we met up on a day off and grabbed lunch. We talked for hours and probably could have kept going but she also wanted to make sure she got some time in with her sons that day.

Terri enjoyed life to the fullest. She made time for the important things. She cherished the little moments. She sat on her porch to enjoy the weather, sipping on her tea and listening to the birds. She made time for her walks and getting on the bike to get some exercise. She took her vacation time and set boundaries but also was available if it was an “emergency” for work. She helped me make time for mental breaks and workouts by encouraging me or keeping me updated after if my part of the meeting was already covered. She reminded me that my life is my life and work is not life.

Terri didn’t take herself too seriously and she let herself be goofy which gave people he comfort level to also be their true self. Terri had a smile that lit up a room and a laugh that was contagious. Her energy was unmatched. Her excitement and smile when checking out the electrical equipment got me excited about the electrical equipment. As a mechanical engineer…that stuff is usually just kind of boring…hey it’s a box and conduit…woohoo? You are probably thinking…mechanical equipment is just a box with ductwork or piping (hey - to each their own!). But Terri’s smile and energy when she was there got me thinking - you know…this is electrical stuff is pretty cool.

I have been lucky so far to not have had to experience grief to this extent. I know it will be a journey in itself. I felt guilty at first when I had a laugh or a happy moment. I told myself that I know Terri wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time. That she wants me to be happy and see the good. It is okay to be happy and its ok to be sad, mad and confused all at the same time. I know that the sadness may come at odd times. I was in a meeting the other day and a report was brought up and my eyes started to well a bit because it was a report that she was reviewing so passionately and was an expert in.

I only hope I was there for Terri as much as she was there for me. But she was so incredible that I don’t know if I could ever live up to what she provided for me as far as a friendship and family. It still feels unreal that I can’t just chat, call or text her. She was taken from us too soon. But I will do my best to keep her spirit alive. I will tell Baby Vines about her and share the wisdom she shared with me. I will ask myself what Terri would do in a situation and do my best to be the best version of myself that Terri would help me be.

If you’d like to watch the Celebration of Life of Terri and her husband, you can view below. Please ignore how many sniffles I had. I really thought I could speak without crying, but I was definitely wrong!